I can't concentrate. I look at the seconds and the minutes go by, waiting for an email that does not come. For peace that can only be granted through the pain of someone else. For the words I have been waiting to hear for so many years. Waiting for an email from the person that has part of my future in her hands but can't do anything about it.
The clock ticks, the email won't come, day after day, waiting. Every spam, every good intentioned email from a friend, every email announcement I don't hear because I wasn't at my phone, they are all ugly reminders. They are teasing me, and playing with me. They are emails that make my heart stop until I see the name. They hold me prisoner to news that won't come.
I feel horrible crying for something so painful that so few people understand. It's hard to imagine for most people, that yearning, that place of desperation, that wait. Even though there are worse things in the world, this is my worse thing right now. I don't compare myself because I can't. I just feel for me, for us. It's too much PAIN. To wait, to long, to dream and to let go. To be so close and to be so far. To know but not to know. It's believing that your dream might come true, it's there, it's waiting, but it's not real. It's to wake up every few minutes knowing that the miracle is not true, but maybe it is.
Maybe it's not enough. Close but not there is not enough. The tears that I cry for this dream are not enough. Nothing gets close enough to the miracle. The one thing I am waiting so impatiently for. Please come. Please be mine. Please send the email that will change my life forever. Clock, don't exist anymore, just let me sleep until you are done ticking in my eyes and my heart.
With trembling hands and a broken heart I wait. I wait because there is nothing else I can do. I pray. I look for signals. I praise day in and day out. It is right there, and then it's gone.
ps: Estoy por aqui, pero muy ocupada con mi familia, mi trabajo, y esto que me tiene al borde. Quiero volver a escribir pero estoy consumida en estos momentos.